Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
