Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
