You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
