Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
