I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
