I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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