Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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