Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
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I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
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We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
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