so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
