It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
