Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
