and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
