I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I booty called her while she was in labor.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
