She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
When are your genitals available?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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