If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
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i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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