I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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