I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
