If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
