Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
