Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
