I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
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Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
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Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
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