Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
