if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
