I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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