Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
