you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
