When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
