the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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