a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
