What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
