She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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