is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
