i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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