so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
