I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Randomize
