I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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