Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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