I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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