i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
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I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
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I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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