im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
