Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
