while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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