saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
