Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
