ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
