1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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