Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He called his prostate his "boner button".
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
