She went from zero to smokin in five shots
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
you're hired as official boob wrangler
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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