Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You pole danced in your parka.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
