i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
