She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
