Soap is not a condiment
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
