LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
