capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
