Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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