Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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