i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
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